Save Yourself
by sheisclueless
Summary: Paily fic. Ali is dead and Emily is hurting. Can Paige save her from herself? M for smut in later chapters and self harm *trigger warning* First PLL Fic so please give it a try.


**First Paily story, thanks for reading. This will be multichapter if people like it so read and review please please please. TRIGGER WARNING. I don't own any PLL characters. For purposes of this story, Ali will stay dead and A doesn't exist. Will progress nicely. Thanks if you read this and tell me what you think and oh!:**

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Four days had passed already. No more secrets, no more arguments and no more awkward longing moments. Emily should have been glad but she was far from it. The love of her life was gone forever and any happiness left in her was heading the same way. She knew she had to go back to school eventually but the thought alone was killing her inside. Wayne and Pam had been watching her like a hawk; they were terrified of what Emily might do. Buzzing came from her phone. Scanning it, Emily sighed. What the hell did Paige want? Emily wanted to get her swimming back on track. Sure she'd missed school but some lengths of the pool might occupy her for a bit. Although it took her an eternity to phone Paige back, she was glad to hear someone sounding pleased to hear her voice. Emily decided to give swimming a shot today and grabbed her training stuff before leaving.

Coach Filton looked really surprised to see Emily but it was a good surprise. Paige engulfed Emily in a hug and whispered "I hope you're okay" in Emily's ear. Emily appreciated it but wondered what Paige's game was. She rushed to get changed to be in the pool faster. Ten minutes later Emily was swimming like she'd never swam in her life but her thoughts were swimming after her. If she had only stayed up slightly longer Ali may still be alive. If she hadn't had one too many drinks Ali may still be alive. If she had been a better friend Ali may still be alive. If only this, if only that. What counted was Ali was gone. They were never going to go to France, they would never read to each other, they would never have any more secret moments. Emily felt as though the water was gripping her neck tightly, choking her. Her legs started to slow down as her head drifted away, drowning out to the screams of "Emily!" And the splashing of water.

A couple of hours later Emily found herself in her bed tucked up, woken by her mother who had a guest waiting for her. Emily looked up groggily and clocked Paige sitting on the edge of her bed. Why was she here?

"I'll leave you two to talk. Paige don't be too late please."

Paige nodded as Pam left the room. She looked around to Emily and smiled faintly.

"How are you feeling? You gave us all a hell of a scare back there. I thought something horrible was going to happen to you."

"No I'm okay. Thanks for asking. I just sort of got lost but I'm back now." Emily closed her eyes and asked Paige gently to leave her be and told her she would try and be at school tomorrow.

The next day was a struggle for Emily to get up and get ready. She felt empty. When she walked into school the majority of the students just looked straight through her. Arms hugged her from behind and she turned to greet her best friend Hanna. Aria and Spencer were right behind, all looking a little tired and away with it. The rest of the day was a blur until swimming practice. Coach Fulton wouldn't let Emily swim after the previous night but she allowed her to watch. Emily sat at the wide and pretended she was supporting the Sharks at a meet in her head. The cheering and screaming was overwhelming and she had to remind herself to breathe. In and out. In and out. Fourty minutes later and Emily was leaving almost in a trance to walk to her bike to then cycle home. Pam was waiting in the living room for her return, anxiously chewing her fingers. Emily said hi to her then proceeded to head upstairs. She had been forgetting basic things like eating so Pam brought her some tuna pasta salad and wouldn't leave until Emily had eaten at least 5 spoonfuls. It was another "lie and blame yourself for everything" kind of night but eventually she fell asleep.

Emily was relieved it was Saturday as she wouldn't need to move all day. Wayne went back to work early this morning and Pam was at the office. She lay still, her head void of thoughts, her body void of movement bar the rising and falling of her chest. Ali's face invaded her vision and all Emily could do was stare at the ceiling, hoping Ali would leave eventually. She couldn't feel anything. No sadness, no anger, no remorse. How could she make herself feel again? Her eyes started to droop and she felt herself sleeping once more.

Sweating and panting, she woke with a start. "Why can't you at least feel something?!" "You did nothing to help me, where is your pain?!" "I never loved you." "Can't even feel anything for me."

Ali's haunting words from Emily's dream struck a new level of pain in Emily. She seconded the question about feeling and was there any way she could make herself feel?

It was dusk outside and Emily couldn't even pull herself together to close the blinds. She couldn't take much more of this. From God knows where, she mustered the energy to trudge to the bathroom. What possessed her to do this, she had no idea. The idea was terrifying but it was mesmerising as well.

Her fumbling hands rattled under the cabinet and closed around a razor when they came across one. Emily pulled it out and smashed it off of the edge of the bath. Metal clinked lightly everywhere. She scrambled to grab one of the little blades and pushed herself to sit on the bathroom floor. Someone in the mirror caught her eye. Dark glossy hair. Tanned shiny skin. Dark empty eyes. Who was this monster?

Better make it somewhere no one can see, she thought. Failure. Cut. Hopeless. Cut. Loveless. Cut. Numb. Cut. Emotionless. Cut. Disgusting. Cut. Broken. Cut. Need to feel it. Cut. Finally feeling something. Cut. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper. Tears. Cut. The feeling came flooding back. Emily's face reddened with tears, drops of blood dripping from her thighs. She cried in agony. Agony of feeling.

Paige was walking through Rosewood and noticed the Fields' lights were out. She knew Emily was supposed to be in and felt a surge of panic course through her veins. She broke into a jog and hammered on the front door. No answer.

Paige resorted to smashing the back window and climbing in. There was no sign of Emily. Flicking on all of the lights as she sprinted up the stairs, Paige started to worry. She knocked on Emily's bedroom door then pushed it open after not receiving a response. That was when she noticed the crack of light coming from the bathroom door. Paige almost dived in and the sight she saw broke her heart.

The girl she was in love with lay sobbing in the middle of the floor, blade to her left, blood to her right. Paige grabbed Emily and deposited her arms around her, holding her head into her chest while she cried. After a few minutes Paige picked a towel and started to dab lightly at Emily's cuts, she ended up crying too.

"It's okay Em. I'm here and I'm never leaving your side again. I promise."

Emily continued to sob and barely processed Paige was carrying her to her bedroom. Paige put Emily down and tucked her in, being careful not to hurt her. Emily breathed quiet sobs until she exhausted herself. She made herself ask Paige one question before sleep took her.

"Why do you care? You don't know what it's like to have your loved one taken from you. You don't know what it's like to feel so much pain that you physically hurt inside."

Paige's eyes welled up. "Em. I had that feeling of pain just now. I thought I'd lost you. I thought I'd got here too late. It absolutely destroyed me to see you do that to yourself. I love you, Emily Fields. I love you and I am not going anywhere. I won't ever leave your side..", tears fell faster, "I can't believe you would do this. I want to help you Em. I want to be there. I will care for you and I will help you through this. But Em. Please promise me that if you ever feel the need to hurt yourself ever again, please talk to me. I'll even let you hit me. I'd rather walk across ten thousand nails than see you hurt. So please promise me just that?"

Emily told herself not to believe what she was hearing. It was all lies. "I'm sorry, Paige but I can't do that, I can't make promises I'm not going to keep," she whispered as her eye leaked a tear.

Paige stared at her in disbelief and sadness. "Em please. If not for me, for Ali?"

Emily pulled Paige in beside her and buried her head in Paige's chest. She broke down. Paige held onto her strongly yet delicately and decided to never let her go. Emily sobbed out "I can't."

Paige's world came crashing down as a realisation hit her, she wouldn't have to protect Emily from muggers, creeps and weirdos. She would have to protect Emily from herself and that was enough to crush her soul.


End file.
